Doing better now. Back to my usual self. Still finding difficulty in self motivation though my progress on essay so far is: none,  this is despite having today off  I will start that next though promise and I still have one more day off before deadline as it is later than I first thought.  Despite a general improvement in mood I am still feeling that I will not be able to complete this essay and will have to pay the fine to drop out.

In other news had a telephone interview for today but when they found out I'd applied last year for the same company they cancelled the interview and said they would check out if they were willing to see me again. I hold out zero hopes for this, as last time I stupidly mentioned I quit nursing due to stress even though I followed that up with reasons why this would not be an issue in this job. The feedback i got last time was that they were seriously concerned that my judgement would be impaired due to the stress of the role. I doubt they will ever entertain seeing me again. Oh well I tried.

On a more positive note 9 jobs aplied for today, at least half of which I stand a serious chance in (the others are slightly more of a long shot). One stated they were looking for retail staff looking to move to an office based role which is me exactly. The number of new jobs I found just a few days from my last search gives me serious hope. The last month had been a quite spell with few jobs going I thought that was going to be the case for at least a few months, maybe it isn't.

May has been an interesting month for me it started really well the sun was out I read an entire book in less than 2 weeks (excellent compared to my start and never finish base rate) I saw Star Trek into the Darkness which was amazing, brought a couple of new dresses and a nice pair of wedges. I made icons. Life felt pretty good despite the lack of job interviews.  I even decided to try and step up a level a work, be more sportive to the supervisors .

Then I hit a rough patch. and the last week and a half have not been great, productivity has completely stalled. A couple of comments at work that should have been brushed off easily set me in a downward spiral. I realised my fist NVQ assignment was due in a week and I'd not started. The sun looks like its given up the ghost.

The bad news is i got an extension on my NVQ and i just can't bring myself to work on it. I'm going to have to drop out. For 3 days i've sat here and contemplated it, typed a few words panicked and gave up completely. Told myself tomorrow is the day i'll get loads done but each day its been give up mostly before starting read fan fiction and feel bad about not working on the NVQ. I should have given up in style and gone to London to take pictures at least I'd have done something, and i'd have been happy.

I briefly thought about going to see my GP mentioning that I'm depressed but really apart from these last 10ish days i've been doing better than ever and I've struggled on my own for the best part of a decade now. Can you imagine that conversation:

GP: How long have you been feeling this way?
Me: 9 years.

But honestly between taking up photography and taking steps to get me out of my current job. I'm doing well.  Hell this time last year even looking at a job listing set me panicking, crying and then making friends with the vodka bottle because what was the point? There was nothing I could do. I'd fail and fall apart in any job. I was unemployable.  I don't think like that now. I've applied for 13 jobs tonight and although I might get 13 knock backs I might not. I can do these jobs. I do have skills. I don't cry so much. I just can't do this dam NVQ though! I've now just 4 days 3 of which I'm working 9hrs and right now I'm typing up this post to avoid doing it.

This month I'm gonna get shit done. I'm not sure what, but I'm not going to reach June and think "what have I accomplished last month?" To find the answer is nothing.

30 mixed Sherlock icons with a Purple/Blue colour theme. All episodes, all characters, even Anderson.

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This is really just an update on the life and times of me. Nothing of interest here so feel free to skip if you were looking for some fandom fun.

Life is not going well right now. Work is worse then ever before last week I was told off for being in noticeable pain, apparently its off-putting for the customers and they won't approach me, thus I was failing in my job. This my boss told me directly after the following " I know you had that one big sale but"... well that one big sale was the only customer in the store and served whist I was trying not to double over in pain clearly it did not stop her spending over £200 as there where no other customers I'd like to know how she states this as fact. Where is your evidence? my only customer spent over £200.

Of course had it been possible I would have gone off sick, but as that would have left just 1 sales assistant and a manager covering from another store before I trooped on. There wasn't really a choice. As my boss hulled me over hot coals for not smiling and looking in pain I told her that I didn't feel I could go home sick due to staff cover she told me under no circumstance was I allowed to go home with period pain, and under no circumstance should I show how much pain I'm in. I should just grin and bear it. This was followed up with how no other mangers would be as tolerant over my 'black moods' as she was, and how I'd never get a job if I was off sick every month with period pain. I have had maybe 5 days off sick in 6 years I think any employer would be pretty happy with that actually.

There is more crap on top of that from other sales assistants but this post is getting to long the end result is that I hate going into work it actually scares me wondering what will be next.

The job hunt is not going well, there seems to be less jobs each time I look, and my new found self confidence has died, I've now gone back to looking a a job thinking I can't do it, i can't do anything and having a little meltdown.

Also my hours have already dropped at work I only lost 4 hrs this week no big deal, but this week we are interviewing I expect by the week after I'll be down to 24hrs. I estimate on this I will earn just enough to pay all my bills and eat a moderate amount, but there will be not even a penny left to spend on myself. I've been there, I don't want to go back.

 I didn't get the job. I'd spent up till now trying to think what the hell I did that  badly in that I never made though to the last 1/2 hr and one to one interviews. Typing this up it just hit me, we were listening in on calls, I thought it was nothing, just getting to know the job. I let my guard down not thinking my assessors might still be in the room. I chated with my person as he had only one call. I didn't even recall doing it, but now I remember, without thinking I'd started speaking negatively of my boss.

F**k how could I have been so stupid?

You never criticise you last boss in an interview. I know that, but as thought this was just listening in on a call, no big deal, I didn't think. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm horrified at my self to the point i feel sick. Why did I do that? Why can't I keep my mouth shut. Now I'm stuck thinking 'oh god I did that' 'Why, why, why?' I'm horrified at my self, I can't think of anything else right now and I feel like I might throw up. If it had been anything else, say nerves again, I'd have moved on already, but this I can't forgive myself for, that was something I could have easily avoided and I could have a job by now. I should let it go, and just not do it again, but I cant.

Since the beginning of my search I've had one interview, I'd initially thought it didn't go to bad, but I didn't get the job and requested feedback was that I was far to nervous and it made me look a weak candidate.

Today I had a telephone interview for a job selling car insurance, I was very nervous about this as a I'm not great on the phone  and i've never had a telephone interview before, however determined not to mess this up I did my research not only on the company but on telephone interviews tips and tricks and questions I might be asked and prepared answers. Armed with a desk full of post it notes from how to answer the phone, to what my greatest achievement's are, and how to close the call I felt as prepared as I was going to be, at the time of the interview I sat waiting for the phone to ring my nerves increasing by the second when five minutes past the call time had expired I began to outright panic, was I supposed to call them?

I gave it one more minute, the phone thankfully rang, I answered as advised with my full name, and thanked them for calling me, getting off on the right foot made me feel more in control and increased my confidence, but determined not to repeat my mistakes I did my best to fight my remaining nerves, sound calm and in control, I mostly pulled this off. A few umms.. a tiny smidgen of rambling but I answered intelligently and confidently and talked about KPI's (key performance indicators) like a pro, and proved my knowledge of the company and products and answered a  few tricky questions I'd not anticipated like 'how I'd describe myself as a sales person' I answered 'customer focused' this seemed to go down well enough.

I think I impressed. I clearly did well enough as I was immediately  offered to come in for a assessment session at the end of the interview; I didn't have to ask about a face to face even though I had a post it note for that taped to my desk. The interview/assessment is Tuesday and includes 4 hours of fun such as a Maths test and role play. My suit is in the dry cleaners I can't pick it up till Tuesday morning unfortunately, luckily I don't have to be at the assessment centre till 11am.

I was suposed to be visiting Ben on Tuesday this will be the 3rd cancelled appointment I'm sad about this, I haven't seen him for over 3 months now, but there is nothing to be done and he'll understand.

Wish me luck.

My god show I love you (or at least I used to) , but I hate you! You cant change the rules of your own universe!

My dear show, I'm sorry you killed all the characters I'd loved since the beginning but I think given time I could have forgiven you for that, and maybe grown to love you just as much again, but this I cannot forgive.

You created the rules of this universe, you  can change the characters but you can not change the rules especially to suit the needs of the plot. If you really, really  must do this, like for example inexplicably explain that werewolf blood is toxic to vampires, you need to explain how this never came up in 4 years of a vampire a werewolf living together, because I think mentioning to your house mate that one drop of your blood could kill them in an instant is subject that needed to be broached early on in the friendship especially when you both tend to get beaten to a bloody pulp on occasion. A little flash back would go some way to pacify me if only a little, or maybe just a simple sentence '...you remember that time when I nicked myself shaving and almost killed you...'

If this was the only example of in universe rule changes, I might have coped, but there have been others and now 'This'is not only annoying and contradictory it also cheapens Annie and Mitchell's romance somewhat. We had a whole dam episode that focused on how Annie and Mitchell could not just 'get it on' and 'get off' as it were. They kissed and neither felt it, and as I recall Annie was pretty pissed about this turn of events, it made their romance just that bit more tragic, as if it wasn't tragic enough.

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